Sayu.. Pedih.. Sedih~

I cried.. I weeped... Terlalu cepat masa berlalu, Ramadhan is coming to its end soon. Oh Allah! You have shown me lots. Cubaan.. dugaan yang semakin hari semakin berat, tidak mematahkan semangat ku untuk tunduk dan semakin dekat pada Mu ya Allah.

Alhamdulillah, walaupun telah di timpa macam-macam dugaan, tetapi hamba Mu yang penuh dengan kekhilafan dan kejahilan ini, tidak pernah berpaling arah dan patah semangat. Syukur! Ramadhan ini, telah mengajar ku erti sabar dan merendah diri, mengajar ku erti sebenar menyintai Mu... Syukur!

Walaupun kadang-kadang ada tergelincir, akibat nafsu dan emosi yang terbawa-bawa, tapi apa pun yang terjadi sesungguhnya Allah maha mengetahui dan semuanya ada hidayah dan petunjukNya jua!

Satu perubahan telah terjadi jua atas diri yang jahil lagi keji ini.. Alhamdulillah.. Akan terus di pertahankan dan di laratkan kepada yang sepatutnya...

Honestly.. Im not looking forward for raya.. I just don't know why.. I am so gonna miss this Ramadhan, it has been a very special month for me, my soul...

Taken from a blog (sorry can't remember which..)

“ Wanita ibarat epal. Epal yang tak berkualiti amat mudah diperolehi kerana ia berguguran di tanah. Tapi epal yang tak mampu dibeli berada di puncak. Susah dipetik susah digapai. Terkadang epal itu risau, kenapa diriku belum dipetik? Lantas ia merendahkan martabatnya dan menggugurkan diri menyembah tanah. Sedangkan ia sebenarnya telah Allah jadikan begitu tinggi martabatnya sehingga tiada siapa berani memetiknya. Hanya pemuda yang benar-benar hebat sahaja yang mampu. Mungkin bukan didunia tapi akhirat. Biarlah jodoh bukan didunia asalkan cinta Ilahi mengiringi.”

BERKATA Imam al-Syafie perkara yang lebih menganiayai diri sendiri ialah mereka merendahkan dirinya kerana dunia, memuji mereka tidak dikenali dengan lebih dekat dan mengasihi sahabat yang tidak memberi manfaat untuknya.

Lukmanul Hakim pula berkata: "Hai bangsa Adam, jauhkan olehmu daripada lima perkara yang membinasakan semua manusia, iaitu:

"Menipu kawan sendiri, tidak mengikut nasihat ulama, menghina dirinya kerana tamakkan harta, membesarkan dirinya atas saudara yang lain dan selalu mengikut hawa nafsu."

.. Ya Allah, tidakkah aku sudah menunjukkan kebenaran, adakah ini ujian Mu ya Rabbi?

Some truth were then turned to LIES. I don't know what has gone wrong. Maybe, me myself, has been too much involved. Again! Another mistake I have made. And for things I have made and done, I am now having the "hadiah" for being too CARE.?

A friend keep on checking on his sweetheart, although I didn't tell him anything and I keep on motivating him, I know one day Allah would open up his eyes and heart.. and yes the HURT truth revealed...

Berkata ulama: "Hai anak Adam, lazimnya olehmu diam supaya engkau dinamakan orang yang berakal kerana orang yang berakal itu tidak bercakap, melainkan atas sesuatu hajat yang menjadi kepastian untuknya atau kerana perkataan yang memberi nasihat.

"Dan tiadalah orang yang berakal itu fikirkan, melainkan pada akibat dunia dan akhirat.

"Hai orang yang berakal, ikatkan olehmu lidahmu melainkan menyebut nama Allah atau perkataan yang benar atau memberi nasihat kepada manusia atau kerana mengucap syukur kepada nikmat Allah."

Again, aku sangat khilaf, aku lupa.. akulah manusia yang penuh dengan negative vibe dalam jiwanya. I ended up "bercakap" daripada "berdiam diri sahaja"...

Astaghfirullah Al Azim............. Ya Allah betapa bodohnya hamba Mu ani

Sabda Rasulullah bermaksud: "Sesiapa berhajat untuk mencari kawan yang setia, maka Allah itulah yang terlebih patut engkau jadikan kawan kerana Dia bersifat kasih sayang pada dunia dan akhirat.

"Lagi pun sesiapa berhajat untuk bersuka ria, maka al-Quran itu memadailah dengannya dan sesiapa yang teringin untuk mengajar, maka memadailah dengan mengingati mati.

"Sesiapa yang berhajat dengan kekayaan, maka memadailah dengan sedikit itulah kekayaan atau kaya hati, maka jika engkau tidak mengambil pengajaran dengan empat rangkaian ini, adalah neraka itu lebih sesuai dengannya."‌

I Guess.. I just lost another good friend.. because of my silliness!

Khilaf nya hamba Mu

Sabda Rasulullah S.A.W .. "Bila malaikat maut datang menjemput, terputuslah amalan anak Adam, kecuali ilmu bermanfaat, sedekah jariah dan doa anak yang soleh" - Hadis Riwayat Muslim

Last night Dad came to my dream, once I woke up, I realised I was crying. Once woke up I was supposed to go down and had my sahur, but I ended up sitting, reciting Yassin for Dad, that I missed my sahur. I was in tears. For 2 months I have forgotten him, I have forgot to read and sedekah for him. I missed him! More than anything. Oh Allah, thank YOU! .. you sent him in my dream, that his face was cerah, bercahaya! Alhamdulillah~!

Been daddy's girl and once he left you, only God knows how it feels like. It's like part of your soul has been taken that made you feels as if there's no hope, no future .. But then again, I learnt to be strong, once he was gone, I realised that Mom and my other siblings need me..

Alhamdulillah, all are now grown ups.

Dad.. reminds me of the famous tele-drama in Tv3, Nur Kasih, was kinda hooked up with the Drama since the 3rd episode. Knowing the storyline from a friend who worked with the production made me anxious.. eager to watch the upcoming episodes.

Nur Kasih, isn't the typical, malay Islamic drama you have watched, having Khabir Bhatia as the director, the plot.. the photography .. it was just amazing..

I hope with Nur Kasih, we would learn something from it, kata orang melayu, Yang baik jadikan tauladan, dan yang buruk jadikan sempadan.

Nur Kasih, a story, of .. few characters, but mainly focused to, Adam, Nur Amina and Aidil. Adam, the youngest, the naughtiest. Aidil, the eldest, and the Good son. Nur Amina, whom Adam was married to, but whom Aidil love. Nur Amina, who was believed by the father of Adam and Aidil to be "Siti Khadijah" to Adam ..... Although actually Adam, had his girlfriend left in sydney, whom he lived with.

Family conflicts, kesedaran and more. Ups and downs of our reality life. Jealousy and hatred.. and more PRASANGKA BURUK!

Jika dihayati lebih dalam, terlalu banyak, terlalu sinis drama ini. Derived from a real story, (that's what a friend told me) .. it is something for us to ponder. Perubahan yang ketara pada Adam (salah satu watak utama) di salah sangka oleh abang dan isteri nya sendiri pada mulanya, termasuk isterinya yang kedua. Kisah silamnya yang hitam, dijadikan landasan untuk menghakimi ke-taubatannya. Kesian kan?

Apa pula, pada yang telah sedar tapi masih sesat.. serong... masih terbuka aurat nya.. masih terlalu khilaf hingga lalai.. Lalai hanyut dengan kesenangan duniawi, hanyut dengan bisikan nafsu. Nauzubillah...

Lagi kasihan!

Been there.. Done that...

and Reality BITES!

I learnt a lot lately, I thought I knew everything but I was still naive, khilaf...

I thought by doing my routine solats, I could be more stronger, but there are more for us to do. Before I was a bit negative minded person that, something happened weeks ago that made me realised I ain't that perfect... And more ujian datang menimpa... Sesungguhnya aku hanyalah manusia yang Khilaf dan lalai..

Firman Allah Ta'ala, yang kira-kira bermaksud :

"Hai orang-orang beriman, jauhilah kebanyakan berprasangka, kerana sesungguhnya sebahagian dari sangkaan itu adalah dosa; dan janganlah kamu mengintip atau mencari-cari kesalahan dan keaiban orang; dan janganlah setengah kamu mengumpat setengahnya yang lain. Adakah seseorang dari kamu suka memakan daging saudaranya yang telah mati? (Jika demikian keadaan mengumpat) maka sudah tentu kamu jijik kepadanya. (Oleh itu patuhilah larangan-larangan yang tersebut) dan bertaqwalah kamu kepada Allah; sesungguhnya Allah penerima taubat, lagi Maha mengasihani" - Surah Al-Hujarat ayat 12.

Rasulullah S.A.W juga ada bersabda yang kira-kira bermaksud :

"Berhati-hatilah kalian dari tindakan berprasangka buruk, kerana prasangka buruk adalah seDUSTA-DUSTA ucapan. Janganlah kalian saling mencari berita kejelekan orang lain, saling memata-matai, saling mendengki, saling membelakangi dan saling membenci. Jadilah kalian hamba-hamba Allah yang bersaudara" (Diriwayatkan Al-Bukhari)

I did that before, I used to judge people by their looks, by their personality, by their words.. MasyaAllah...!! And the truth... first impressions... first words aren't who they really are.

Like a good friend always told me, always be positive, and leave behinds all the negative vibe! Besides, to be a good person, that's how we should think.. I'd learn it in my Mental Health classes before.

Once I was positive, I was very positive, but once I was negative, I got carried on.. didn't realise besarnya dosa!

And that's just it, something to ponder...

Enjoy the trailer... and my favourite quote

"Isteri orang lain ada intan berlian ... Isteri abang ....." "Isteri abang ada abang..." - ayah and ibu Adam n Aidil ...

*sigh* I miss my "Abang" :)

Hypocrit.

Pardon me for going all negative now. I have been having these negative vibe since early this month.

Only God knows how I feel. How badly shaped I was. And Alhamdulillah, that im fixing things and im fixing myself up now.

I can't turn things to normal shape but I can make things better for being a better one.

Ramadhan is here. Alhamdulillah, I can cope up with the new changes. After the tafakur I had, I realised some things.. I can't be good enough and I have to always be the humble servant of Allah..

A wise lady once told me a story about this girl, who never neglect her everyday solat. She even at times solat for the Sunat Solats.. But one day, she had big accident and lost her two lower limbs. And she was then found to have brain cancer. She was then treated for her cancer but 'bout her both legs, funny thing she always got trouble for getting the right prosthesis, God knows why she keep on having problem on the presthesises she's been having! And for the cancer, of course... she lost her hair..

She blamed Allah for having all these, she blamed everyone, and so she kept on blaming others. And she even thought there were blackmagic done on her....

Little that she knew, although she has been doing her prayers and all other ibadahs, she seldom covered her aurah, she still went to Disco Clubs. And she still do some other maksiats.. Hypocrit enough?

And so, that wise lady left me and made me to think about the moral of the short story..

Why am I telling u these...

It made me changed...

For once I thought, I can't blame on others for whatever I am/was/will be having, but I must then make a reflection on myself on what have I done in the past.

Rezeki has been very narrow lately... and InsyaAllah... Alhamdulillah it'll change...

Taubat nasuha.. Alhamdulillah..

Down....Under..

Down.. sad.. not sad.. just down..

Nope I can't share this with anyone. It has been too much lately.

Very sad, knowing the fact that, some... some people... only need you when they think they need you and they'll ditch you when they think.. they found something someone better..

Shared.. but nonetheless.. who cares?

Who are with me when I am fuckin' ly down like this... none... SAD huh? That's how life treating me lately.. I thought.. I have been blessed with GOOD COMPANIONS.. but I was fuckin' wrong!!

Been doing my best to cheer people up, to make others feel better... always~! and I just realised that...Somebody made me to realise that.. and what did I get? Nothing better.... Nothing GOOD...

Beau's off for work again. He's been working hard, to make things better. I jsut don't have the gut to tell these (whatever I am having) to him. I know ... he himself has been in chaotic working life at the moment.

I am gonna have big trouble/problem soon. And hopefully I am gonna handle it on my own. Enough with sharing it with person/people whom I thought I could trust at the first place. Trusting .... is hard for me to do at the moment. Cos I was made a clown before... kinda clown for 'em!

It seems.. everyone are liars at the moment. Hidden agendas! These kinds are that I hate the most since my childhood!!

Being left behind and being the last to know, made I feel that I ain't important to anyone. It hurts a lot. When the fact that these people who left you behind, are the most important people in your life. And these people will only make you the most important person in their life once they are in total fuckin' deeeeeep trouble!

No one can be the BEST listener now... not even close to being GOOD.

Yes! That's how SAD my life now.. ALONE.. EMPTY and DOWN.... SAD!!

Still juggling between work, family and social life.. I am trying my best now. Might leaving all the troubles behind and gonna start a new life. How I wish I can migrate to somewhere right NOW! But that would be veryyy impossible.. knowing I have few so-called BIG responsibilites around. Yeah so-called! 'Cos everyone around me are being the effn' pretenders now.

Pardon me with my cursin' words, cos I just need to let these all out. One of these days... *sigh*

.. lies , hidden agendas , betrayals.. and more.. more than those... It's hurt..!

May Allah repay all your so-called kindness~!

Merry Ramadhan... Forgiveness I seek... from all of you.. especially those who were HURT by whatever the stupid stuffs I have done before..

and so ... that's just it...

Dan Sebenarnya ...

Dan sebenarnya.... Yuna

oh bulan
ku kan melayan diriku lagi
pabila,
air mata membasahi pipi
dan lagu2 di radio seolah2 memerli aku
pabila,
kau bersama yg lain

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu
kau juga merindui aku

ku enggan
berpura pura ku bahagia
ku enggan
melihat kau bersama si dia
oh ku akui cemburu
mula menular dalam diri
pabila
kau bersama yang lain

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu
kau juga merindui aku

pabila kau merenung matanya
ku rebah,
jatuh ke bumi
di saat kau benar-benar mahu pergi
seperti ku bernafas dalam air

adakah perasaaan benci ini sebenarnya cinta
yang masih bersemadi untukmu
dan sebenarya ku mengharapkan
di sebalik senyuman mu itu kau juga merindui aku
oh....

i love the "selamba-ness" of this song and the straight forward message .. oh nothing to do with my life now heh... i found this song catchy sikit and so I wanna share u this song ;)

i found i have time to blog despite my busy life now. hmmph! there's something i have in my mind now, that im not sure to share it here or not.. as for now, i wanna keep it to myself dulu.. heh..

and suddenly im hooked to the cardigans' lovefool! .... :/

Another pointless rambling

I MISS HIM.. I miss him more than anything. I had too much lately, too much pressure. The surgery, the work, the friend, the family… and moments like these made me miss him like crazy huhu.. he’s been busy with work and will only be home next week. SAD! Can’t say much to mom, cos for sure she’ll start comparing with some of the religious facts hehe..

Been started to plan on our 2 years coming big plan.. besides the hectic work schedule I managed to go out with yanie, the girlfriend and birin the perasan budd and cabai the crazy joker :P haha , not forgetting, sis mimi, the sweet sis ;) .. thanks ya all

I miss rambling, yack-yacking here, but it’s the precious TIME I always don’t have. Working from 7am – God knows when! The off days has to be well spent with mom and him.. Staying with mom now, since my 1^st day post appendectomy. Moreover that he’s not around, that made me to stay with mom. One of my rooms in the apartment was broke in few days after my appendectomy! Will write about this once I got that precious time J

Till then…

P/s:

Thinking to delete my FB account.. should I?